Neurodivergent kids are often misunderstood. It is easy to mistake a child screaming and throwing things as a “bad” kid but that is simply not the case!
While the behaviors seen in both a tantrum and meltdown may be very similar their cause is different. A tantrum is a response to something possibly in the child’s control, in other words a tantrum has a purpose. The child wants something and has a behavioral outburst to try to get that desire met. A meltdown is a response to something completely out of the child’s control– usually having to do with a sensory sensitivity, schedule change, disruption of rigid thinking or increased social demands.
The easiest way to tell the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown is to remove the attention to the behavior. If the child can calm themselves down within a few minutes it is most likely a tantrum. When a meltdown occurs the child cannot calm themselves down quickly and may even escalate over time. If you are able to pay close attention to your child’s tantrums and their meltdowns you will pick up on a lot of their unique cues.
For example, during a tantrum I will often see my kids peek an eye out between their fingers to make sure I am watching during their dramatic drop to the ground. They will roll around for a bit, throw something, maybe even hit me but if I walk away they calm down. During a meltdown my kids display the same exact behaviors: they drop to the ground, roll around, throw something or hit me but they do not stop just because I look away. In most cases they do not notice or even care if I am in the room because the behaviors are not meant to achieve a goal, a meltdown is an unconscious way of expressing distress to an internal state.
Essentially a meltdown is the body’s “fight or flight” response. During this natural response our bodies release adrenaline and other chemicals into our bloodstream which triggers a chain reaction. This chain reaction is meant as a survival mechanism for dangerous situations (like being chased by a bear) but can be accidentally triggered in other situations. As a result a child may display the “fight”- anger and aggression (throwing things, hitting, yelling, breaking things), or the “flight”- panic and fear (running away, screaming, hiding).
This “fight or flight” meltdown response occurs for children with sensory sensitivities and in children with Autism who are rigid thinkers and want things their way but are disrupted. For example a child could be bothered by a tag in their shirt because it feels like sandpaper rubbing on their neck and go into fight or flight mode. For kids with Autism, they may be trying to line up objects or complete tasks in a certain way/order and some external factor interfered with that process. Other common triggers for Autism meltdowns are sudden schedule changes, not knowing what to expect from a new situation or social demands that are uncomfortable for the person.
So what do you do if your child is having a meltdown? The quick answer is “ride the waves”. What I mean by that is you are not going to be able to stop a child’s meltdown. No amount of discipline or scolding will end a meltdown because the body has to naturally rid itself of all the adrenaline and chemicals which spiked during the fight or flight response. Once those chemicals have dissipated the person can calm down and think logically again.
The most effective strategy is to provide validation by saying things like “I know this is hard for you” and unconditional positive regard “I love you on your best and hardest days, I’ll always be here for you” along with self regulation tools (removing the trigger, offering a favorite blanket or a glass of water). In the future you can try to prevent a meltdown by avoiding the trigger but that is not always possible. In situations where the trigger is unavoidable it can be helpful to make sure the child is well regulated before the trigger occurs by providing a sensory diet, use visuals to explain any new situations or sudden changes and talk about the trigger so you can plan for how you will both handle the meltdown before it occurs.
Since neurodivergent people can and often do display both meltdowns and tantrums it is important to know the difference between them so you can respond appropriately. If your child is having frequent or dangerous tantrums it can be helpful to seek out a therapist trained in sensory integration, floor time or applied behavior analysis (ABA) to help improve the distress to both the neurodivergent person and those around them.
As a mom of three kids who have frequent meltdowns and tantrums I know how hard they can be to handle. Taking care of yourself both physically and mentally so that you are able to keep your cool when either occurs is key but also give yourself permission to make mistakes. You are allowed to overlook a trigger or handle a situation poorly once in a while–we are all human. It’s not about the mistakes we make but how we repair them with our kids once we realize it happened. For this reason it’s helpful to get into the habit of processing meltdowns together after the person has calmed down. This could be through drawings, playing with dolls or discussing what happened.